Our society is rife with iPad kids and adults who aren’t connecting in person anymore. And with so many options to “connect” virtually, we’re statistically lonelier than ever. The number of American adults with no close friends has quadrupled since 1990. Unsurprisingly, this can have a range of negative effects. For example, friendship and mental health have always been deeply connected.
Our reliance on our devices for connection has taken a toll on our overall health. This is particularly relevant for teens. The emotional deficit of not connecting with others outside of work and school has created the perfect storm of isolation.
While teens may “connect” with friends over social media or messaging, it does not have the same physiological and psychological benefits as hanging out in person with a peer. And, as science suggests, these truly interpersonal relationships are vital to a person’s well-being.
The Science of Friendship vs. Loneliness in the Brain
Sure, we are digitally connected to others, but that connection is often hollow, causing knock-on effects since friendship and mental health are so closely intertwined.
The root of this comes back to our biology, since our neurological needs don’t evolve at the same pace as technology. Not long ago, we depended more directly on each other for survival, wiring our brains to clock proximity, eye contact, and vocal tone as cues for safety. Our brains cannot feel lonely when we’re in the safety of trusted relationships.
Furthermore, there’s a biological response that your body undergoes when you’re in the same space as a close friend called “co-regulation,” where your body’s stress levels mirror the calm of the person you’re with.
Your overall cortisol level drops and your body is flooded with oxytocin. After spending time with a close friend, you may feel more relaxed and like yourself than if you were spending time alone.
The Digital Deficit and the Lonely Brain
The problem is that co-regulation isn’t triggered within digital connections. It demands physical proximity. Digital connection is a separate set of skills that does not provide the same kind of vulnerability and body language communication as in-person socialization. Thus, it feels oddly empty because your body is not getting the oxytocin release of in-person connection.
This is why connecting to friends digitally can sometimes make you feel even more isolated, leading to loneliness that triggers your brain into a hyper-vigilant survival mode.
Your amygdala, the survival part of our brain stem, becomes activated, and, sure, social rejection hurts emotionally, but that pain also fires along the same neural pathways as physical pain. This is particularly debilitating for the teenage mind, which is still developing. Teens are discovering who they are and trying to find their place among peers. They rely heavily on peer approval and acceptance, and social circles are among their top priorities.
The Mental Health Benefits of Friendship
Investing in real-world friendships and connection is also a means of investing in yourself. There are many mental health benefits of friendship. Healthy friendships among teens and adults alike build a strong foundation for positive mental health.
The four biggest mental health benefits of friendships are:
- Emotional Support: Life is fluid, and things will change over time, especially for teens. You’ll go from high school to college and beyond. Having close friends you can vent to can help immensely. When someone validates your feelings, your nervous system can calm itself. Unloading these feelings and experiences among peers can help prevent you from experiencing long-term anxiety and depression.
- Stress Reduction: Having someone who listens to your experience can help remind you that you’re not alone. Many people experience the same stressors of academic pressure, career shifts, and financial strain. Healthy friendship becomes a place to discuss these things and remind each other that you’re not alone.
- Self-Esteem and Identity Building: This is especially important for teenagers. Adolescence is when teens really begin to develop an identity that is wholly their own and separate from their parents. Good friendships can help remind us of our worth and give us a sense of belonging.
- Loneliness Prevention: Regularly spending time with friends can help disrupt your brain’s hyper-vigilant survival mode. It will help you stay grounded and feel connected to those around you.
How to Build and Maintain Friendships While Healing
The idea of making friends is easy; doing it in practice is much harder. We often get into our heads and psyche ourselves out before we even begin. To help prevent that, follow these steps to build friendships (especially if you’re struggling already):
1. Embrace the Discomfort of the “New Frontier”
New friendships do come with minor risks. The best way to bypass this risk is to do a shared group activity like trivia nights, escape rooms, casual board game meetups, or collaborative creative projects. Having something to do together instantly becomes something you can easily discuss.
2. Rely on Existing Rituals Over Motivation
Don’t wait until you feel like you want to socialize. Join a club or weekly volunteer opportunity, a community art class, or even just go to a weekly trivia night. Get out in the world and begin to socialize with low-pressure activities that you enjoy. Doing something consistently will help lower the anxiety around socialization.
3. Practice Slowly Escalating Disclosure
You don’t need to be incredibly open to start. Just share basic surface-level stuff like your favorite coffee or food you like to eat, maybe an activity you enjoy. As time goes on and you become more familiar with each other, slowly increase the depth of what you’re sharing. Be sure to be cognizant of your boundaries and theirs.
How to Support a Friend Who’s Struggling
If you have a friend who you feel is isolating due to mental health struggles, you can help! The mental health benefits of friendship can help you and your friends feel less alone and make big problems feel smaller.
To help your friend get back to socializing and connection, try these tactics:
- Be the Consistent Initiator: Remember that when someone is experiencing depression or anxiety, their brain is often telling them that they are unwanted. If you reach out first and ask to hang out, this overrides that idea. Keep inviting them to things even if they’re declining most of the time. Sometimes, just knowing the door is open can make all the difference.
- Offer Low-Energy Hangouts: Don’t bring a struggling friend into a potentially overwhelming environment. Start small with low-pressure hangouts/activities. Maybe that looks like a nice walk or going to see a movie together.
- Listen to Understand, Not to Fix: When someone is sharing their struggles with you, try to validate their feelings and offer presence and connection instead of solutions.
- Bridge the In-Person Gap: Swap out a quick text for a 5-minute phone call or a random coffee drop-off. Being physically together can help them feel more connected and release oxytocin even if it’s a brief interaction.
Build and Maintain Healthy Friendships in Recovery
Overcoming the friendship recession requires collective effort, but it begins with you. When you choose to hang out in person and build friendships, you not only benefit your own well-being but also your friends’.
Look for activities that are exciting to you and involve interacting with others. Set up a recurring coffee date, join a community class, or volunteer weekly for a month. Having a social circle is particularly important as a teen. Growing up and changing together can have lasting mental health benefits.
To learn more about mental health disorders or to seek the help of a mental health professional, do not hesitate to call Turnbridge. Turnbridge is a recognized mental health treatment provider with both inpatient and outpatient programs for young men and women. Call 877-581-1793 to speak with a treatment specialist today.